Derek Clark's gaming emporium!

News 1.8.04:

I found my old Illinois 2002 diary a few days ago, saved away in my hotmail account. Each day while I was there I wrote some of my gaming accomplishments in self-addressed emails. Have a look.

News 12.22.03:

I did it!

I outraced the competition in N-sider.com's Mario Kart Double Dash contest. Contestants had two weeks to produce the best score possible on Yoshi Circuit. For winning my region (NTSC) I'm being awarded a GameBoy Advanced SP with Fire Emblem! An awesome Christmas gift from the guys at N-sider :)

And if you hadn't figured it out yet, I am currently competing in the MKDD time trials. I have a page located here: Derek Clark's MKDD Profile. I encourage you to check out. I already got some downloads available there.

News 11.25.03:

I went through this page and made a few revisions to the written information. Just look for places where it says "REVISION". I also rewrote my Bio (at the bottom of this page) in a way that allows for changes in my life without that information becoming inaccurate (whereas last time I wrote it completely in the present--like a jackass).

Lastly, I'd like to brief my gaming activity since my GE retirement. Time Splitters 2 is what really pulled me away from GoldenEye. I joined in about one month after FMC's NGC-Elites TS2 rankings went up. I peaked at 7th, contributing a few untied records before fading away after only a month of competition. My greatest effort was on the old school mini-game embedded in the game, called "Astrolander". I made videos of my (once amazing) Easy and Medium scores, and also a pretty cool "Stunt" video with fun music, haha.

In the summer of 2003 I competed in the Mario Golf: Toad's Tournament online tournament hosted by Nintendo. I scored (-23) on the 18-hole Lakitu Valley (I think it was called...), tying me with a bunch of other people for first place. I didn't bother participating in the tiebreaker for the grand prize, the new settings were too frustrating. I scored well enough to win first place in separate tourney sponsored by Target, too. My winnings include "A year's free rentals"*, $25**, a shirt***, and a necklace and wristbands****. Pretty cool to get a prize other than empty pride for once. I think I played this game for exactly 2 weeks.

* This means exactly 12 free GAME rentals
** Target gift card
*** Three-quarter length sleeves? This shirt sucks.
**** Yeah, I'll wear these when I want to get my ass beaten. Might as well have sent us MG hot pants.

IMPORTANT: The media files are no longer available. That means the links don't work, children. Contact me if you're interested in getting any of these videos. My AOL screen name is "Washed Up Gamer" and my email address is clark@the-elite.net. I'll probably never get the chance to host them all on one server ever again.

Welcome to my page. Here you can find all of my video proofs and picture proofs, many of which you probably never knew about. If you came looking for sarcasm, there's plenty to go around. Just read some of the stories and descriptions, you know I'm always looking to entertain, not just to inform.		All videos have audio! Small file sizes! (Who cares if my times are too blurry to confirm...not me!)
	weeeee!

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0:54* Dam A - a WR share
Dam A, lock shot - sweet lock shot, but finished as a 0:55.
0:49* Facility A - tied WR, unique strat (take out 10 bottles with 2 mines, thus extra mine for boosting)
1:00 Facility SA - only 2 seconds off record despite no boosting, 3 failed door warps, and bad trev!
0:18* Bunker 1 A - old school
1:14 Bunker 1 00 - very nice run, lost 1 or 2 seconds at the end though.
1:05* Surface A - 1.1 perfection?
1:19 Silo SA - Only Wouter is faster.
0:26 Frigate A - One of the first to get this.
2:27* Statue SA - My infamous 2-second improvement on the former record. Strat outdated.
2:29 Statue SA - the original; tied Wouter and Sterling, my first WR.
Statue techno! Part 1 - Back when 2:31 used to be good.... Featuring "Smack my Bitch Up" by Prodigy.
Statue techno! Part 2 - Notice how the music corresponds to what's happening.
0:17* Archives A - Unique bookcase path (ie, fastest!)
1:06 Depot 00 - 2nd vid ever, this used to be good. Good strat for taking out drone gun for newbies.
0:27 Dam A - Turbo - This is a WR...requires getting the lockshot at Turbo speeds, then not missing the exit....
0:40 Facility A - Turbo - An untied world record, next closest having 0:43. This is my best Turbo time.
0:24 Surface 2 A - Turbo - Formerly untied record, now tied. Observe phantom strafe switch ;)
1:45 Statue 00 - Turbo - Should be 1:44, next closest 1:48. What else would you expect from "The Master"?
0:33 Streets A - Turbo - Two great boosts, my fastest run by nearly 7 tenths!
0:16 Depot A - Turbo - Train shot at Turbo speeds! Pure entertainment.
1.1 madness - Observe my hands as I play Train agent. As Lavery once put it, "1.1...what a bad idea."
Backstrafe Skill Exhibition - Watch me finish Depot agent in 0:39 strafing backwards (turning to open doors).
Corpse Warps - Nothing like dead bodies warping up walls for a laugh.
Epic Kill - I kill a guy on Aztec as we both are falling AND a grenade blows up underneath us.
0:47 Egyptian A - Just stretched the strat a little more with this new record.
2:25 Statue 00 (failed) - Unbelievable Valentin strafe, plus 2 boosts on the return.
1:14 Streets A - Barely a 1:14, despite 5 good boosts and no bad boosts..
1:57 Streets SA - This time's surprisingly easy, only a +1 boost ratio on this run!
1:40 Surface 2 00 - Very screwy (and costly) pickup on grenade. First camera shot from MILES away.
0:56 Surface 2 SA - I'll never play this mission again.
0:39 Runway 00 - Surprisingly easy using grenade boosting (2 booosts).
1:10 Jungle 00 - Can't do it much faster without skipping the armor.
1:04 Jungle SA - Just a nice, solid run.
0:56 Jungle A - Blew a 0:55 because of an unfamiliar GL finish...boostastic finish though.
1:18 Frigate 00 - Several noticeable gay-ups mar this run's viewing quality. It's a 97-point time, though.
1:11 Frigate SA - Pretty weak run for what was a world record at one point.
0:48 Egyptian 00 - I got this exactly 5 minutes after 0:48 Egyptian SA.
2:08 Dam 00 - I was satisfied with this run, no matter what the time was.
1:21 Dam SA - Not really spectacular, the time surprised me. Look-down has pushed the record to 1:19.
0:36 Cradle A - Nice quickness here, I'm not so sure about 0:35.
1:16 Bunker 2 00 - Bad cinema slowed this run by a few seconds early on.
0:57 Bunker 2 SA - Pretty much average run through and through, nothing spectacular.
0:26 Bunker 2 A - This time was a bitch, screw 0:25.
0:37 Cradle A (glitch) - I didn't kill Trev AND I died, but the game saved me PR?
Aztec glitch - I started backtracking on a botched run, and suddenly some walls disappeared..
0:18 Bunker 1 A (slow exit) - A delayed warp at the exit left me stunned to see 0:18 pop up again.
2:21 Aztec 00 - I didn't take any damage!! A closing mainframe cost me about 4 seconds though.
2:05 Aztec SA - This time has been reduced to average I suppose.
1:48 Aztec A - This was very early after learning about the glitch, I perform it horribly.

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2:26* Statue 00 - My greatest time. Scored at my girlfriend's house oddly, hence it not being taped.
2:27* Statue SA - Not as dramatic, but at the time it sure was.
2:54 Aztec 00 - I'm not one-dimensional! I can play 00 agent too! See???
1:02 Archives 00 - crappy, but not if you consider I got this before finding the GoldenEye Elite online.
5:54 Caverns 00 - not bad for pre-Elite here either.
2:59 Caverns 00 - not bad for post-Elite. 8th person under 3:00.

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My GoldenEye Times - in case you haven't figured it out, GoldenEye is my game of choice, and these times give evidence to this interest of mine.... My peak rank in GE was 7th in January 2002 at which time I put the game away for a while. I play the default button configuration, 1.1, and at one point was second only to Garrett Sellati among highest-ranked 1.1 players.

The GoldenEye Records Page - again, this one you guys probably managed to happen upon before. This page started as a humble assortment of the world records and corresponding players on one table, intended to amend Wes's "WGR" (my site, day 1, seen here).
   Not surprisingly, Wes ignored me. My page became independent and gradually grew to it's respectable status as A WORLD SUPERPOWER...rather, the source for GE's movies, record listings and totals, and all kinds of fun info! It also contains links to all the other important GE sites (rankings, boards, etc).

History of the "Statue Master"
   My greatest accomplishment in GoldenEye was surely my Statue time(s), specifically my 00 agent miracle run, 2:26. We'll start at the beginning.
    Back in the ancient days of my Dam 0:56, I got 2:30 Statue agent, surprising given that only Sterling and Wouter were under 2:32, each with 3 2:29s. Well, I was very excited to be close to the record and decided to try to improve the strat. With some help from Karl Jobst, I got 2:29s on all three a few days later! Others gradually tied the mark until it was semi-common. Then Ben Gorman got 2:28 on 00 agent, a disappointment for me. Not long after that I got a new controller and was stunned to realize I was getting 2:28 failed runs now! (the new joystick was pivotal). Well, after a couple hours I finally got the FR--2:27!! The run was good, but I was actually afraid it was going to be 2:29, oddly enough.
    It was the first time I had gotten 2:27 failed or completed. Even my best GE friends were skeptical until the vid went online. Needless to say I got 2:28s on the other 2 difficulities the same day (giving me an untied record on agent).
    Well, Randy Buikema decided he wanted his records back, and put forth a campaign over the course of about 3 or 4 weeks in which he went from 2:29s to three 2:27s. I was again disappointed, assuming I could never get 2:27 again. I decided it was time try timing out my exit at Trevelyn (normally you wait for "Objective B: completed", then take off. Human reaction time is 0.4s, so the room for improvement was evident). Using the music as a guide, I learned to leave Trev before actually seeing the objective complete. 2:27s started popping up. Many failed 2:27s. About 30 with no completion hours later.
    I was getting rather flustered with my poor FR luck ("flight recorder", the random objective that decides if you complete the run or not basically) when it happened. The run started with TWO boosts down the first hill, a rare occurrence. Then at Valentin I strafed him what was unarguably the farthest I ever had, and took advantage with a nice, early exit from him. Waiting for Trev, the music was unfamiliar relative to my checkpoints because I was already well ahead of pace. Because the music was unfamiliar, timing my exit was more of a guess than anything else. I ended up REALLY cutting it close, leaving about as early as possible. I was being a recklessly agressive because I had been wanting a 2:26 failed run for a while (after 30 failed 2:27s, completed runs were no longer on my mind). I stood several steps back from the FR spot and started runnning at it around 0.5s on the countdown. At that time I heard the most unfamiliar, euphoric beep noise I have ever heard. I almost screwed up the exit gate in my nervousness, somehow pressing R (stopping movement) as I stepped through, but fortunately the fade started. Judging by the music it was easily 2:26 and sure enough it was, my second shocking 2-second PR on statue.
    The run is the only 2:26 failed or completed known. Considering that completed runs are roughly 1 in 15 runs...well, God was kind that day, though it took a while for that first FR to finally appear. I wasn't even at home when I got the time, that's why I did not get it on tape. I've tried many times since, but cannot register another 2:26 failed (or completed) run. I remain tied with Randy Buikema with 2:27s on agent and secret agent. About 8 people have 2:28 on 00 agent but 2:28 remains elusive for most on the other two difficulties--let alone 2:27, and yes, 2:26.
REVISION: I later would fail a legitimate 2:25, but that's only because I was busy trying to get 2:26 on the other two difficulties. That's because a "newb" named Bosshardt stole my glory and got 2:26 on all three (at the time I had no idea what I was up against, hehe). It only took a day to match his trifecta, but soon it wouldn't matter as latter-day newb Trent Hovis improved the strat (wounding Trev to quicken the start of the conversation), and as of right now Bosshardt leads with 2:21-2:20-2:20. I never attempted the strat (beyond curious experimentation). My GE days are through.

You're right
   That last section was me bragging and that's not the true spirit of competitive gaming. So I'll talk about my worst time now. Train 00 agent 2:27!!!! Booyeah, that's probably good for like 8 pts. That's 8 more points than Dan Dykstra though I'm sure. Still, being compared to Dykstra is bad. Man, do I suck. (Not as much as Klee though, thank goodness)

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0'35"01 Banshee f-lap - nearly Legend, current time is 34"79 however.
1'11"50 Choco SC 3-lap - 3 for 3 on this hard shortcut.
Choco Hero - The 1'11"50 edited--enjoy (or not) "My Hero" by Foo Fighters as this plays.
Toad's Turnpike SC - short clip displaying the SC on lap 1.

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0'32"16 Royal Raceway SC f-lap - my beloved Legend A double-shortcut run.
Unbelievable top 5 - At one point my KTB top 5 times were within 0"00"04 of each other. Check it out.
1'49"49 Banshee Boardwalk - This was before the days of online gaming. Not bad for an amateur!
0'18"00 Wario Stadium SC 3-lap - I figured out this SC and went 3/3 on it long before going online.

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My MarioKart Times - Good HTML, I'd like you to meet slow times. My non-SC status is King B, and that's almost legend! Nevermind my plummeting rank, I'm almost a LEGEND in this game. Me and like a hundred other people. Actually my rank is 30ish, which is okay, I guess (though I think the 30ish guys in GE suck...bad.)

The MarioKart Upstart
   MarioKart 64 really is what brought me to serious gaming. I became very good at it...I was one of those rare people that gets random gratification in beating my own times, not someone elses.
    Anyway, I started to become curious about those "someone elses" out there, and found a table of MK64 "records", courtesy of Total 64 magazine. After a few weeks I had between more than half of these international "records" *indicates quotation marks with hands*
    I sent my times (photos) in, accompanied with a picture of my 8-year old neighbor (intended to be my self portrait, lol). Well, it never made it I guess. That's okay though, I found the real records online a few weeks later, and they were impossibly fast. The nature of the Kevin Booth operated site suited me well, and I became an active karter, entering the ranks at Elite F, unusually high for someone "off the street". My rank was only about 50th though, a disappointment for me.
    I rose to King C over the next 3 months, winning a player of the month award (Nov. 2000) and then 4th quarter 2001 and Winter 2001/2002! I rose very fast (as those awards suggest), but perhaps too fast. I burnt out and then tried my luck at GE, never to return (exception being a short return that bumped me up to King B). I'll always long for that Legend status, but getting back into kart is truly a commitment.

Legend-A-ry time
   Wow, that was stupid. Every game will yield a huge fluke time to you. It will also deal you a massively unfortunate fluke that will incite murderous rage, but that's another webpage. For GoldenEye it was my 2:26 Statue 00. For Kart it was 0'32"16 Royal Raceway SC fast lap.
    Back then I liked SCs for some odd reason (kinda like GE...wait for something unlikely to happen for hours, then screw it up. Then later it happens again you succeed, then bask in the gratification for hours).
    I decided it was time to try Royal's ultra rare finish-line warp thing (for those of you who know, good; for those of you who don't, stop reading). Well, after a few hours I hit it. Luckily, I raced as well as I knew how up until the *first* SC (confused? I told you to stop reading.) I got the "Jesus-walk" wall deflection, as Penev calls it, the quickest entry into the water. The result was 0'32"16, Legend A, 7 hundredths off of "God" status. I think I was still Elite at that time.
    Only Myles Bukrim (overall record holder, 0'31"88) kept it from being an NTSC world record. That may still be the case, who knows, not like I'm going to go check that MK64 page, let's be serious. If I did I'd probably start playing again or something foolish.

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Check out my Team Florida Challenge 30 Variety Page!!!. Here I have downloads for all my PD vids and pics, plus all kinda of anecdotes and random funny stuff regarding the endless Ch. 30 inside humor.

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Neglected?
   Allow me to explain. I own Perfect Dark. That's about it. Like, the legal ownership because I bought the game "own", not the insane mastery, domineer like slave "own". I beat Special Agent, seriously! Total domination. Perfect Agent seemed like a lot of work so I quit PD basically (total domination = total sarcasm).
    When people became obsessed with Challenge 30 I started playing challenges to open it. It's funny, I have just the 1P star on 25 out of the first 29 challenges, the bare minimum required to open Challenge 30. After a while I got the hang of it and before you know it I recorded an 11-0 score with 0 deaths on on 1P. I later tried 2P by myself until I beat it (16-10) and haven't really tried since.
    I started training Eli, and he became pretty decent after a while. We got a 20-0 game after a while, and remarkably Jo was with both of us in the first 6 hills, putting us up 18-0. We won in 7 hills, a truly amazing feat.
    Later Eli and I got 21-0. It took Ben Gorman to get that max score, 22-0, even though I had almost nothing to do with us getting it (good hills, good Paragon, SHITTY Derek. Not even my shittiness could overcome the good karma).
    The three of us never managed a perfect score on 3P. We reached 22-0 and 23-0, but no 25-0. Sadly, on our 23-0, Ben had 28 kills, 1 death...all those kills preceding his only death. Needless to say, the start was ridiculously good and Ben knew it around kill 24:

Ben: "Holy God, if we shut this out and I haven't died, I will marry myself."

   One of my favorite quotes all-time--these words amidst the usual challenge 30 frenzy. Unfortunately, I was paralyzed with laughter, fueled by that comment, and was rendered almost useless the rest of that game. His ridiculously good game and his response to it as it went was just too funny for me to ignore. Every time I looked at his screen he was going kamikaze style, bodies dropping everywhere. I think at that moment his PD/multi greatness was confirmed. Unfortunately, I could barely see straight due to laughter, and not even Ben could handle the big hill alone.
    We invited my friend Itan over so we could try to get the 4P star on Challenge 30. Itan had played before, despite very little experience with N64. He was very experienced on online FPS games, and it translated well. Remarkably, only a few minutes after we started playing, unfamiliar with each other's strategy and not used to the pathetic frame rate, we scored a 30-5. Itan had no idea it was good, Eli didn't seem particular surprised, I was amazed we finished the game strong, but Ben was notably astonished, commenting something like "what the hell did we just do?" realizing the unlikelihood of us getting the score so early in our efforts with what was at best, a weak team.

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Nothing but cup - See Eli's unbelievable hole-in-one in which the ball lands directly in the cup!
Toad Highlands #8, Speedgolf Albatross - double eagle during speed golf!? Who knew? (200 yards = ChipIn?)
Toad Highlands #16, Tidy Albatross - Ball lands behind pin, then hops into hole neatly due to backspin.
Toad Highlands 7'29"46, -18 - a couple seconds displaying result screens on this former world record.
Toad Highlands #13 chip-in birdie from bunker - This by Eli, not sure why it got capped. You won't DL this!
Par 4 Hole-in-One! - So what if it was #10? I got this during stroke play versus Eli. Straight into a 20M wind!!

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Toad Highlands 7'29"46, -18 - Former WR, see the splits.
Toad Highlands 8'44"50, -11 - This was never good, I just didn't know it then.
Tough Lie - Metal Mario standing over the ball on a 60 degree grade, pretty goofy.
16-stroke win - This was insane feat for me because I was renting the game at the time.
Best Shots Screen - We actually have more than 5 hole-in-ones, but only one albatross saved.

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What the hell....
   Someone explain why I had a record on this game. I don't really know. One of my friends had this game like 2 years ago. I liked it, but not enough to buy it. I became pretty good at it, it's mainly a math-oriented game so experience is not as important as it is for most games.
    Well, that friend moved away. Around December Eli and I started playing it (he bought it at some point, who knows). He was like "how are you beating me?" Well, he didn't say that, but he was thinking it I bet. He had gone through all that birdie badge/ring shot bullshit, which means he had a lot of hours under his belt. We were pretty well matched it seemed, and I had next to no experience whatsoever.
    I borrowed the game for a few weeks, then discovered the speedgolf record for the first course online, held by Jason Whalls (7:42). I started talking to him about it, and he gave me some tips. He felt like playing again and got 7:30 his first try. Well, that same day I went to work on my time. With Whalls' advice, I took my 8:30 under 8 minutes to 7:52, beating Andrew Kent! I kept playing and the wee hours of the night it happened - 7:29.46. I shot 18 shots under par in one round--by taking mindless top-spun guess-style shots. Go figure.
    I made a page documenting my record round, a hole-by-hole progress table, and some interesting facts regarding the round. Come see the record Whalls beat hours later! I should probably submit "the record time forgot" soon.

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29"90* Water Whirled - beats harvey and others easily. Watch as I lap 3 "hard" CPUs.
17"16 Dizzy Dinghies - later improved to 17"13*.
Reality of Bowser Toss - watch and listen to Eli as he strains himself to register a good score (hilarious)

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Best scores screen - Here are all of my scores, most being records. Eli improved Bowser Toss to 78.65.
30"20 Water Whirled - this was taken under 30"00 minutes later.
576 Pump, Pump, and Away - This record is ridiculous, one of my favorites.
41"42 Rockin' Raceway - Recorded on my VERY FIRST TRY after renting it. It remains eerily untouchable.
CPU, 50-turn Battle Mode Ownage - Eli and I nearly shut out "easy" computer players in 2.5-hour game.

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Undermine Harvey? Sure!
   One day Jason Whalls informed me that the legendary Nicholas Harvey had created a records page for Mario Party 3. I noticed that I had beaten one of his scores when I rented the game a few months ago. Eli and I rented the game and decided to go hardcore to beat all his records before we returned it. Unfortunately we had to jump through a lot of hoops, metaphorically speaking, to make certain minigames available. We managed to free up all but one game (a minigame that would require unheard of amounts of gameplay to make available).
    I beat or tied all of Harvey's records except Bowser Toss. Not like I care, Bowser Toss is simply a rapid button tapping exercise. I'm not an athlete, I'm a gamer. But Harvey's record was just untouchable. Eli was better than me on it, but still far off Harvey's mark. Eli became highly skeptical of Harvey's score of 95.30:

ECP4EVER2: that again is proof that harvey would have to be breaking the sound barrier with his tapping to get in the 90's, later adding, "I have the wound to attest to that."

   The wound he refers to is the blister he got from playing Bowser Toss, lol (I recommend DLing "The reality of bowser toss" for a laugh).
    The proof he refers to is Jason Whalls' Turbo controller failing to reach 90. Whalls had rented the game after I kept talking about it, especially interested in Harvey's insane record. He ended up with 94.80, validating Harvey's record as both authentic and VERY FREAKING GOOD.
   Another really freaking good time is my Water Whirled time, perhaps you should DL it. Whalls got within a second and a half and called it quits (I have no idea how much he played it). He did, however, sweep Dizzy Dinghies, though I am pleased to report he only tied my course 1 time. Bear in mind that I did not have any motivation other than improving my score when I got my 17"13.
    Anyway, I may rent it to see if I can take back my records on the other two. Here's the page that provoked this Mario Party 3 dissection, observe the carnage.

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89,316-pt, most insane stunt ever - This score is nearly twice my second best, it's basically the most insane combination of raw score and number of tricks combined possible. 216 twists (my best being 313 though), and 21 airtime, meaning I was in the air almost a minute, the stunt taking about a minute and a half to complete.
REVISION:We (Eli and I) actually busted out this game again in mid 2003 and once again I was blessed with an impossibly good stunt. The score was 115,000. I also failed to mention that we unlocked all the in-game cheats with PBCs, but anyone with the game would've known that.
193,752 score, 5:00 game - Previous stunt included in the finish screen. Cheats were on, but that's normal for Rush. Notice how my single move beats Eli's 5-minute point total. Recorded on Stunt 1.
REVISION: This score was also beaten, 227,000 being the new high score. It's funny, we actually lost our original copy of this and had been dying to play it for months...then one day we found it for sale in Hollywood Video. We would've never gone there if I hadn't gotten first place in that Mario Golf TT tournament (I won free game rentals at HV). Coincidence? Or something bigger? I'm leaning toward coincidence, Rush: 2049 ain't that great.

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"Derek, no one cares about this game."
Oh yeah. Well, we made a screenshot when I recorded this insane stunt and well, it was quite a gaming accomplishment. We actually paused the game and drove to Eli's house to get his capture equipment. So here it stays.

BANJO-KAZOOIE

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Profanity? - Many agree this sounds a lot like "F--- You"...apparently it's "Thank You".
Banjo gets owned - I jump off the highest cliff in the game, hehehe.
*Involuntary Laugh* - Here's my latest waste of capturing. I think it's funny.

Media of myself, friends

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Paragon's and I playing out our 22-0 - Eli films from behind us as we record our 22-0 on Challenge 30. Nothing suspicious here!
The hands of a champion - listed earlier, watch my hands during a Train agent run.
Eli pulls his groin - listed earlier, watch as the primitive art of button tapping victimizes Eli in MarioParty 3.
Tour of the Ultimate Home Theater - Eli tours my room, the site where Paragon made dreams a reality...?
Tour of the Ultimate Home Theater 2 - Eli added some effects, this time you don't have to listen to him.
Riverdance + Blooper - watch as Eli dances a jig (school project), concluded by his camcorder falling off the stand and him cussing once in surprised anger, again in bitter acceptance (10 out of 10 on 'lol scale')
The Gun Show - Eli seems to be getting more face time than me. Watch him make a jackass out of himself. Quite funny :)

Media of myself, friends

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It's me - basic picture of me.
It's him - not-so-basic picture of Eli. Yes, he will kick your ass.
Ben Gorman and I - Observe me in intense game mode, Paragon yawning in boredom.
Ben and I again - in this picture you can see the rather elaborate home theater.
Eli, Derek, Ben - here we are, Team FL/MD, playing challenge 30.
The Ultimate Home Theater - Here she is, 50" big screen, 2 towers with duel 15"s each, 500 watts, added speakers behind the couch for surround sound. Added 2 10"s just because we could. Startup of Perfect Dark was actually scary. Secret baseline on Surface 1 revealed.

Media of myself, friends

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A quick bio on the real Clark
   I live in Tampa, Florida and was born on July 27th, 1982. I'm currently attending the University of South Florida as a Computer Science major (surprised?) I'm in the Honors Program with full ride and a couple extra thousand per year to spare (hey hey!!) Anyway, that money allows me to work like 2 days a week, leaving me all this free time to waste on video games.
    I'm just like a lot of you guys. I'm smart, mainly in math; I take pride in being smart and being good at the things I try at. I may or may not have a girlfriend named Dallas as you read this (even as I write this I don't know, so I definitely can't predict what the future holds). We met in the summer of 1999, so it's been quite the emotional rollercoaster. We've always been very close and probably always will be, regardless of the circumstances. Here's a picture of her from 2002: Heartbreaker.
    I've played video games forever, but first became interested in high scores and achievement on Super Mario Kart I believe. It grew from there...I became obsessed with my best scores and times on various SNES games. I have a 7-page Word document listing every imaginable best/most for stats on Madden '95 (though it was a combined effort between a friend and I. 202 pts in a 5-minute quarter game, woo! (REVISION: I recently busted this game out again and got 254 pts with Eli, at which point the game stopped counting!) Other Madden '95 madness includes 693 rush yards in a quarter and 6 safeties in a quarter! lol
    MarioKart 64 was the first game I felt I had mastered to a worldly level; my friends seemed to agree. To this day, people are most impressed when they watch me play MK64; not GoldenEye. First-try 0:18s on Archives agent just don't seem to do it, must be that mysterious "strafing"...
    Anyway, now you basically know enough about me. In August 2001 I met ParagonX9, Ben Gorman, in person. He was here for 4 days, our only noteworthy effort being a 22-0 on Challenge 30. The following summer I went to Illinois and met all the great gamers there, including a reunion with Gorman. The greatest product from that trip is probably the famous 4-minute montage video (Ask someone for it). But you probably already knew a lot of that, but here's something most didn't know. Ben is not the first person I've met from the internet. My girlfriend Dallas was.... Our relationship has made a very real transition into the real world, as I've spent something like 200+ days with her since we first met. I hope there are more ahead.

"fin."