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An adventure in self-ridicule in the third person by Derek Clark Background There are over 6 billion people on the planet, and a lot of them suck. It stands to reason that one must suck the most. According to the 2001 Statistical Abstract publication for the US, 0.3 out of every 1 household in America burns at least one effigy of Derek per month, an outstanding statistic compared with the next closest force of evil, Adolf Hitler, down to 0.00015. Furthermore, 0.98 out of every 1 female said that they fear making eye contact with Derek more than death by burning alive or from an attack by evil hamsters with death rays.... The other 0.02 left the question blank. In a study conducted by the Danish Icefisherman Experimental Carrot-eating Legion and Research Klan (DIECLARK), they found that when an infant is presented with two images, one of Clark, one of anything else, such as...a lump of dead kelp or perhaps a blank image, the infant became fixated with the alternative image in 9,987 out of 10,000 subjects tested (the others had Downs Syndrome, one of which died [sudden infant looking at clark's image by accident syndrome]. One left-wing band of scientists speculate that he is the missing link between man and ape. Many question his classification as homo sapien. The majority will insist, however, that he is simply an inordinately improbable collection of recessive traits...loosely ID'ed as a "teenaged male". The essence of being resistible Perhaps we should slow down and analyze what exactly it is that makes Clark so resistible. His appearance is characterized by a gaunt figure, unkept goatee, and a surprisingly young-looking face. If one became capable of withstanding his appearance, they would be forced to bear his watered-down repartee and cliche existence, highlighted by his recitations of pi and fanciful stories about statue world records. The stench of his "Mountain Air" scented deodorant is objectionable and the color scheme of his web site is simply unacceptable. But the worst person in the world? Yes. And it could be worse, as the Bible suggests. "He who hath walked the path of the unelite and yet stumble on thine nappy Etnies shall wear the crown of disagreeabless, and be useful as a sterile goat is to the goat milk sage. He will suck more than any other has sucked before or will ever suck again." (Revelations 12:44) Theology experts believe this refers to Derek, mainly because he sucks pretty bad. "The goat milk part is incriminating, in Clark's case" - Pope John Paul II. What you can do The best way to protect yourself from his presence is kill yourself. If this is not satisfactory, set up a barricade of Nintendo merchandise and Slim Jims around your home in the event of a sighting, and hope he becomes distracted. If he addresses you, tell him about new times you got on Perfect Dark to confuse him and hopefully ward him off. If he should breach your barricade, just bite the bullet and hope you live. However, most survivors of Clarkian encounters wish they were not. As one victim, Bryan Youse put it, "He just kept talking about his IP address or something. It was continuous and delivered methodically, paralyzing me with disinterest. I'm just lucky he didn't try to talk about GoldenEye, I've heard bad stories about that. I'm one of the fortunate one. My friend... was not." Bryan's next-door neighbor is among the unlucky. He is survived by his pet turtle, who was reportedly uninjured in the encounter. The turtle, "Michaelangelo" does not have nunchuks, despite rumors suggesting otherwise. REVISIONS, italicized "The tragedy" (formerly "The miracle") One female, Dallas Gipson, used to express an inconsistent fascination with the Clark. She would remain with him for days at a time, as if somehow addicted to his intoxicating anticharm. Scientists insist this was an inevitable exception, gloating some retarded cliche that goes "the exception proves the rule". However, the exception would not hold, as soon the girl formerly considered "the miracle" was relegated to "the heartbreaker". Ha! ...as if he didn't know that nothing good can stay. Now, not only is Clark the worst person in the world, but his heart has no more love inside of it. But who cares? It's gone anyway. To conclude, every one of us may have times when we do not feel good about ourselves (if you're me, always). But there is one thing that is as constant as the stars in the sky--you are not Derek Clark (oh wait, I am *gasp*), and he is probably somewhere else right now. Hug the nearest person, then go burn some more effigies. (I'm fresh out. Guess I'll have to burn one of these perfectly good Hitler effigies....) |
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the-elite.net | 2002, revised 2004.