"The Legend of Robert Klee"

It was an ordinary day, and the nefarious puppetmasters at the-elite.net were slaving away behind the scenes as they do sometimes (but not really). I, webmaster Derek Clark, and moderator Bryan Youse were exchanging pleasantries and managing important Web site stuff (you would't know) when suddenly, Robert Klee's name arose. As you will see, the untold history of Robert Klee is tragic, comedic, and completely fabricated. Please enjoy an authentic, unplanned chat between myself and Bryan; the only requirement is that you understand that there is an inside joke that says that Robert Klee is the worst GE player ever (he was the victim of an arbitrary selection of a 0-pt player some time way back). If you are a 0-pt player, my apologies. If you are Robert Klee, you suck at GoldenEye. DISCLAIMER: The information about Robert Klee is faker than my GE times. Even his rank was a number I picked at random, among other lies. It's just conversation between a couple old friends, remember this....

Sunday, February 23, 2003.
Approximately 10:30 PM

Washed Up Gamer: fix those news archives by tomorrow by noon or....
Washed Up Gamer: 169th-ranked Robert Klee......DIES.
Washed Up Gamer: *hangs up*
Washed Up Gamer: *calls back*
Washed Up Gamer: "uh, actually, he just gets banned....*hangs up*
Washed Up Gamer: *calls back*
TopRogue7: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Washed Up Gamer: "if that's okay with you and stuff.."
TopRogue7: *immediately goes to fix... stops caring when he sees a fantasy baseball trade offered to him*
Washed Up Gamer: Klee is indeed a valuable asset to the Elite
Washed Up Gamer: it is known
TopRogue7: none has more impact on our organization
Washed Up Gamer: Klee entered the organization in 1997...
Washed Up Gamer: he quietly dismantled Runway by shattering the 0:30 mark on agent, making waves in his hometown of Kleeville, Minnesota
Washed Up Gamer: he continued his tear through GoldenEye's history books by completing Control 00 agent without dying.
Washed Up Gamer: then, in 1999, Klee had a nervous breakdown when he was told that there was a 20th mission in GoldenEye that he had failed to unlock
Washed Up Gamer: his wife divorced him and soon his life was in shambles
Washed Up Gamer: Robert, or "the annhilator" as he was known as in Kleeville...knew what he had to do
Washed Up Gamer: with his GameShark secure, Klee vanquished the might Aztec SA
Washed Up Gamer: on his 3rd try with invincibility
Washed Up Gamer: as rumored, a level "Egyptian" appeared on his game file
Washed Up Gamer: which was weird, because "Egyptian" is an adjective
Washed Up Gamer: and not a noun, as one would expect
Washed Up Gamer: but that did not stop him
Washed Up Gamer: from failing to get the golden gun w/o help from gamecheats.com
TopRogue7: was he given the key to Kleeville pre or post egyptian unlocking?
Washed Up Gamer: They gave him the key when he got silver on the Mushroom Cup on Super Mario Kart
Washed Up Gamer: continuing..
Washed Up Gamer: after months of failure, Klee mastered the tile pattern on Egyptian
Washed Up Gamer: he knew that the goal he sought was near...
TopRogue7: hahahahhaha
Washed Up Gamer: 3 years later, in 2002, Klee finally found the 3rd baron and killed him with 18 deftly-fired bullets in his general vicinity
Washed Up Gamer: the Baron was defeated.
Washed Up Gamer: Now, on to SA
Washed Up Gamer: Though "the annhilator" never did beat teh game on SA, despite the identical strat and highly accessible body armor...
Washed Up Gamer: instead, he disappeared quietly from the GoldenEye spotlight
Washed Up Gamer: today Robert is working part time at Arby's in the neighboring town of "Nobodyville"
Washed Up Gamer: rumors still circulate that the great Kleeian warrior defeated the Baron on 00 agent, but no one may ever know for sure...
Washed Up Gamer: as Klee lost his game pak, or so he thinks
TopRogue7: it seems like such a great story, only to break my heart at the end
Washed Up Gamer: He remembers lending it to this one kid, Johnny (who's kinda gay) but was pretty sure Johnny returned it
Washed Up Gamer: Klee left before finishing his interview, as the daily visitor to Arby's rolled up to the drive-thru
Washed Up Gamer: for his contribution to the Elite, Matthijs ten Ham erected a statue in his honor in his hometown in the Netherlands
Washed Up Gamer: the statue is one of 230, made of popsicle sticks and masking tape
TopRogue7: well, they made 21 more to get it up to 251, which is coincidentally his statue agent time
Washed Up Gamer: and coincidentally, was his highest point-rated time
Washed Up Gamer: at 7 pts
TopRogue7: what a hero
Washed Up Gamer: last week, in a storm with winds of 20 mph, Klee's statue collapsed, tragically, but nothing could break the legend of his mastery of the ordinary
Washed Up Gamer: and so, dedicate your next PR to the great Minnesotan annhilator...
Washed Up Gamer: and God bless
Washed Up Gamer: *leaves podium*
TopRogue7: *clap...clap...clap...tumultuous applause*
TopRogue7: *standing O*
TopRogue7: *chant...klee...klee...klee...KLEE...KLEE...KLEE!!!!!!*
Washed Up Gamer: *suddenly Klee emerges from back of amphitheater*
Washed Up Gamer: *crowd roars in disbelief*
TopRogue7: collective *gasp*
Washed Up Gamer: Klee comes running toward stage, pumping his fist
Washed Up Gamer: *Klee takes podium*
Washed Up Gamer: "firtsly, thanx to Dereck for that spech and stuff"
Washed Up Gamer: "i found GE yeterday"
Washed Up Gamer: "it was next to my N64"
Washed Up Gamer: "I will try to PR tonite
Washed Up Gamer: "kewl"
Washed Up Gamer: "cya"
Washed Up Gamer: *crowd murmurs*
Washed Up Gamer: Heckler: "YOU NEVER DID BEAT CONTROL 00, THAT WAS JOHNNY WASN'T IT!?"
Washed Up Gamer: Heckler2: "YOU SUCK"
TopRogue7: *turmoil*
Washed Up Gamer: InquisitiveAnglelBaby352: "Did you ever beat Egypt 00?"
Washed Up Gamer: *crowd silences*
Washed Up Gamer: *Klee pauses...walks slowly back to podium*
Washed Up Gamer: *adjusts microphone*
Washed Up Gamer: "Yes."
TopRogue7: lol, nice stereotypical s/n.
Washed Up Gamer: *crowd roars*
Washed Up Gamer: *Klee's family emerges from nowhere to run and hug him*
Washed Up Gamer: *cut to wedding scene*
Washed Up Gamer: Wouter: "I now pronounce you man and wifes."
Washed Up Gamer: Matthijs: *wipes tear away*
TopRogue7: Youse updates.
Washed Up Gamer: Klee has dropped to 170th
Washed Up Gamer: bcs a PD player felt like submitting what times he just happened to have from when he played GE
TopRogue7: hahaha, that actually happens all the time
Washed Up Gamer: And so, Klee returned to his coincidentally entitled hometown of "Kleeville" with his wife, who swears she never stopped loving him...buts admits she appeared in some pornos to make ends meet
Washed Up Gamer: but Klee has returned to GE in a way no one could've dreamed of
Washed Up Gamer: some even speculate, he may gain pts again some day
TopRogue7: he needs just 2 to become ranked 130th
Washed Up Gamer: lol
Washed Up Gamer: for now, the world holds their breath as the great Klee legend marches into 2003
TopRogue7: i could make a page for klee
TopRogue7: that earns him 170th place
Washed Up Gamer: lol, just replace his old one
Washed Up Gamer: for like a month
Washed Up Gamer: no one would know
TopRogue7: oh, shit. he's real.


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