I am totally not gay. That picture Dan Wendt posted of me was taken totally out of context. See, I got smashed at this party and we were all taking funny pictures, right? Well, my pal thought it would be funny if I held that sign up by this kid that's always picking on me for really stupid shit. So, I took the sign and quickly ran up to that guy while my buddy took the picture. I never thought it would come back to haunt me like that.

     There aren't many times you can point out that would prove I'm gay. Sure, I may use a lot of innuendo that would suggest I'm a huge flamer, but I assure you that it's all said in jest. I'm really not that bad of a guy once you get to know me. Some might even say I'm the substitute Jimbo. Wait...that means I'm the subsititue fag. Um...ignore that sentence...it's clearly a bad example. What about the time I grabbed...no, that's no good either. You'll just have to believe me: I'm not gay.

     Alex, why do you bother? Everyone knows you are a homosexual. For real, now: do you actually expect us to believe you when you tell us you aren't gay? I don't care how much you deny it: I bet I could use calculus to prove how much of a homosexual you are, and I probably wouldn't even need to go that far just to prove the fact that you are gay. I'd bet you a million dollars I could do it with simple algebraic principles.

     See, I'm the God of all things arithmetic, so I can basically make things up and you will be forced to believe me. You wouldn't second guess a God, would you? Of course not. For the sake of argument, I'll assume that Alex Pitera = Gay. Now, we all know that Gay = Homosexual. If my assumption is correct, and it is because I'm using math to express it, then by my law, Alex Pitera = Homosexual. It's that simple. You can no longer deny your sexual orientation now that I've used math to express it. That said...come here, tiger!

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