Sorry that I haven’t made more main page posts lately, Elite. And unfortunately, THIS post is being made only to pass along some very sad news. I’m sure most of you have heard about the big Goldeneye meeting being held in Minnesota during Spring Break this week, but what you may not have heard about is just how quickly the meeting has taken a turn for the worst.
From what I’ve been able to gather so far, and granted, the details are still somewhat sketchy, it appears that Bosshardt and Bcks picked up Wouter at St. Paul International Airport this afternoon. But they then, for some reason, left the airport in a limo that had been reserved for someone named “O’ Brien.” As I said, we’re still not sure exactly what took place, but it would appear that our three friends were attacked and brutally beaten by an unruly mob only moments after reaching their destination. All three were rushed to a local hospital, but I’ve just received word that Brandon was pronounced dead on arrival. Needless to say, this is a very sad moment for the Elite community. I know it’s not much, but I created a small tribute to our friend Bcks, one of the nicest players to ever grace the Elite.
Please keep Bryan and Wouter in your thoughts tonight.
EDIT – Oh no… I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I’ve just received word from another member of the Goldeneye meeting, Dan Cervone, that Bryan Bosshardt also passed away while in the ambulance. Just before he died, Bryan revealed to Dan the location of his will. I’m being told that Bryan’s parents have already gone ahead and inscribed their beloved son’s last wishes on a headstone.
Bryan Bosshardt, generous even in death. Wait a minute… NOOOOOOOOOO! Well, I guess it’s the least I can do… to give the family closure. Let’s all hope for the best for our other friend, Wouter Jansen.
EDIT2 – More bad news, I’m afraid. Wouter was apparently mortally wounded soon after stepping out of the limo as well, and was pronounced dead just SECONDS after reaching the hospital. Rest in peace, Wouter.
According to Cervone, who had been waiting at the hospital for Wouter’s arrival, the Dutchman’s last words were “I… would have died at… exact same time as Bryan and… Brandon… except my limo door… opened 0.2 seconds slower must be… PAL.” A single tear fell from his eye, and he was gone.
EDIT3 – What a black day this is turning into. Much as I hate to be the bearer of bad news, I’m afraid I don’t have much choice… News of Wouter’s death has of course sent shockwaves throughout the online gaming community, but the tragedy has apparently hit home hardest in Jansen’s home country of Holland, where his close friend and gaming partner Eise Smit has just taken his own life in a fit of grief. Fellow Dutchman Matthijs ten Ham informed me of this second tragedy, and also included a photograph of his friend’s tombstone, which, apparently, has been incribed with the contents of Eise’s suicide note.
Truly a shocking turn of events.
EDIT4 – This is… insane. I just got off the phone with Steven Zwartjes; apparently there has been even more trouble in the Netherlands. It’s a well known fact within the Elite’s inner circle that when Matthijs gets depressed, he eats. From what I’ve heard, it sounds like Matt was so upset over the passing of his friends that he attempted to consume 10 hams at the funeral dinner, rather than sticking to his usual nightly meal of 9. He followed that up by putting everything he could get a hold of into his mouth… A sad state of affairs. Goodbye, Matt, and may flights of angels sing you to your rest.
EDIT5 – As if we hadn’t had enough, more terrible, terrible news from the American meeting being held this week in the Midwest. Although it was somewhat of an Elite secret, I’m sure some of you heard how Expert has been selling off his organs on the black market over the past three months or so, in order to purchase sweet new modifications for his Mustang. What you may NOT have known was that he had his liver removed two nights ago (he needed an extra $2k to afford those cool spinning hubcaps), after Greg Woll assured him that he would be able to function normally without it. Well, apparently Woll was wrong; you CAN’T live without your liver, strangely enough, and Expert has paid the price. Greg reports that Chris fell over dead while attempting sell the recently deceased Bosshardt’s GE cart at a local pawn shop. If anyone deserves a tribute, it’s certainly the Godfather of the Boards himself.
EDIT6 – More bad news, this time from north of the border. I’ve just gotten off the phone with JBC, who tells me that his friend Tyler Probert has just taken his own life in a violently extravagant fashion. After realizing that the remainder of his proof video would never be put online, Ty apparently ran to the top of the tallest building in the area, from the rooftop of which he shouted the URLs of several top notch pornographic websites, yelled out a long and strangely erotic story about two individuals named Jeff Veasey and Bethany something, then leapt to his death, screaming something about an Italian man riding a dinosaur on the way down. I’m told the following was the young man’s tombstone of choice:
EDIT7 – This is shocking, frankly. I’ve just received an e-mail from another American partygoer, Bizichyld, who is telling me at as he was pulling into Bosshardt’s driveway a moment ago, he saw Derek Clark run from the house shrieking, being pursued by a knife-wielding, white, 30-something male of average build whose only distinguishing feature was his wide, almost bowlegged walking stance. Clark was later found dead in a snowbank outside of town, an expression of Shock frozen on his face. Clark- this is for you.
EDIT8 – Uh oh… Stephen Chan just IMed me to say that a young male named Mark Jones was found dead in his apartment earlier today. There are thousands of “Mark Jones,” but this, unfortunately, was the same one we all knew and loved, as proven by the fact that the letters “TOC” were found tattooed across his body and, even more convincingly, this man appears to have died as a result of an obsession over dieting. The good news is, Chan took a screenshot when the local news showed Mark’s headstone. See for yourself:
As if that wasn’t bad enough, Shade just rang me to say Bryan Youse passed away minutes ago. The odd thing is, Youse actually died within a hospital, unable to get from the waiting room to the Emergency Room in time. It’s still unclear if the crippling arthritis he developed in his right index finger as a result of pressing a button (sometimes as often as twice a week) to update the Elite rankings had anything to do with his downfall. Maybe the tombstone his parents selected will shed some light on the matter…
EDIT9 – Just when you thought it was safe to check the boards again… Another piece of nastiness out of Europe. Our friend ShadowZero died in a horrible car accident at 2:31 AM EST this morning. Oddly enough, I was informed of the accident at 2:35 AM, in an e-mail from firstname.lastname@example.org… At first I was suspicious, but it must be legit, as there was also a picture of our gaming friend’s tombstone attached.
Nothing suspicious about that.
EDIT10 – Not good, not good at all. My good friend Your Eliteness just made a post on the Elite message boards informing the community that his fellow Australian, Matt Cook, was badly beaten by a gang of kindergarteners earlier today, and is currently in critical condition. Let’s all hope Matt is able to make a speedy recovery.
EDIT11 – Ok, that is just wrong. YE and Cook have admitted the truth now, that they’re both actually in perfect health, and were only pulling a prank, in the spirit of the day. Talk about a lack of class… this is very upsetting.
EDIT12 – This just in… it would appear that even though Matt Cook WAS in perfect health only hours ago, he’s now stone dead. The story I’m getting from YE is that an enraged Steve Bryze burst into Karl’s Australian house, then proceeded to beat Cook to death with his own (rented) PD cartridge. The best part of the bloody murder, Come says, was when he stuck the PD cart into the Australian’s mouth, then twisted it ever so slowly until the connecting pins finally shattered against Matt’s front teeth.
YE was fortunate to escape with his life, and has hopped on a flight to Japan, where he hopes to avoid the Wrath of Come. We wish him the best. Well, sort of.
EDIT13 – Japan, as it turns out, was not the safest place for our buddy Ryan. It sounds like his end was both gruesome and delicious.
Oh, yeah, and just as Come was about to exact revenge on Karl, I guess the Aussie took matters into his own hands. So… here’s his stone.
EDIT14 – Five more deaths to report. Wow, this must be like, butterfly effect, or something… Anyways, Sucram died. I’ve been unable to get any concrete details other than that he killed himself in a fashion exactly like his previous suicide attempt from a few months back, yet somehow finished the job 5 seconds faster. Interesting…
Sports/poker mastermind wheatrich met his end earlier today as well. The cause of death is still unknown, but we DO know that, as the undertaker was unable to forcibly remove the corpse from the young man’s room, plans are underway to simply construct a tomb around wheat’s entire house. Makes sense. Here’s the tombstone that will be used:
In an absurd turn of events, I guess that everyone’s favorite Brit, SamSim, managed to accomplish a life-long goal minutes ago, but died in the process. Congrats, Sam. Erm… Well… eh, forget it.
As strange as that sounds, GE wonderkid Trent Hovis apparently met his demise under even more bizzare circumstances. It appears that intense multiplayer action at the American meeting kept the youngster up until almost 10 PM this evening, well past his usual bedtime. The cause of death, from what I hear, was a heart attack brought on by the incredible shock Trent received when he walked out on the Bosshardt family porch and discovered that it was PITCH BLACK outside.
And then there was another very odd death out of the UK. I don’t have any info outside of the tombstone, and even THAT I can’t make heads or tails of. But I’ll pass it along just the same, for the sake of Suicide Eagle‘s family and friends.
EDIT15 – This latest death really strikes close to home. My mother just called with some wild story about how a heavyset man dressed all in black was sneaking around our family house (I’m away at college at the moment), when he was suddenly attacked by OD, our dog. This man attempted to run away, but soon forgot what he was doing there, instead turning around to pet the dog. He was mauled to death within seconds. The mystery of his identity was soon solved, however, when my Dad discovered that this person had been attempting to plant a large sign on the front lawn. Something about enjoying the company of men, making left turns for 3 straight hours… something like that. RIP, Jimmy.
EDIT16 – *sigh* You know that old joke about “if everyone else jumped off a bridge…”? Well, Neo gave the world a new twist on an old tale a few minutes ago. Just sickening…
After calling Food for hours tonight I was finally able to question him, force him to verify this story. I never thought Food could have been cruel enough to suggest such a thing to an impressionable kid like Neo, but I guess he was. Food’s exact words: “What? Yeah, I told him to. He actually went through with it? Haha… oh wells, one less random piece of text on teh intraweb.”
EDIT17 – Um, I guess that Fal and wiff, aka WishIWasFamous (I think) just kicked the bucket. Had they been important, someone would have made a headstone for them. I’d do it myself, but I have to… go… over there now. Ngamer out!