Perfect Dark: Challenge 30
"The World of Team Florida"
by Derek Clark
updated Dec. 22, 2003
The Team:
Captain: Derek Clark Rank 4: Elite (teh l33t!)
Teammate: Eli Greenfield Rank 5: Assassin. Wait...I guess Lethal.
Bullet-absorber: JoSim Unranked: Waste of Space
Alternate: Itan Tsao Rank 11: Veteran
Terminated: Kevin Hemphling Rank unknown; "Your ass is grass."

From left to right: Eli, Derek, and JoSim (or Ben, ParagonX9)

20-0 Our very first shutout.
JoSim Murda' Again Stillshot of JoSim headshot, lol. This is Eli's obsession, not mine, really....
JoSim's Perfect Game! 0-kill game! Her 180th straight. Eli and I killed her a lot, lol.
Note: Times change. So do hosting circumstances. Accordingly, none of these media files are currently being hosted online. By deduction, we find that the links won't work. Contact me on AIM ("Washed Up Gamer") or email me at if you're interested in acquiring any of these media files. And yeah, let the spambots get my email addy, there's no point trying to stop them now...*deletes 100 junk emails from the past hour*.

Wait! Where are you going? There's still some funny Challenge 30 anecdotes below the media tables, so check it out!

"Cass Rape"
Three kills on CassSim in short succession, including very difficult/cool kill on the third.
Performance Under Pressure On 3P settings, with absolutely no health left, I take 2 hills and kill 10 people to take a 6-5 lead
Sweet kill Watch as I pick off BlondeSim on the strafe...he flies spinning off a ledge.
Sweet kill #2 BlondeSim owned again.
JoSim Murda' Watch me savagely kill an unsuspecting, on-task JoSim. Instant classic.
TrentSim Glitch TrentSim just kinda fell into the floor....
Rockets Circling motionless player This was weird, the MeatSims can't even connect with RLs I guess.
Challenge 19, 3P, 26-(-4) The last moments of this awesome feat on 3P by just us two.
Close call Eli makes a sweet kill inches from me, saving me getting raped
Double Kill Watch me take a hill from two on "one" shot of my double maulers. Don't blink.
Hilarious Luck Alley Takeover from 3. Eli somehow spares JoSim, I somehow spare them both. All opponents die. Glitchy CassSim death.
Triple Kill I take the sandy hill from three in about 1 second. Literally.
Shutout Magic The last few seconds of our second of consecutive shutouts
22-0 The closing seconds of our first 22-0. We gambled, resetting the hill at 19-0 waiting for JoSim.
Finish screen Eli did something I never did--only 1 death on 2P
Eli Heroism Eli takes over the big hill from 3 with a falcon to preserve our 2nd straight shutout!!
Triple Kill #2 Eli kills all 3 darksims on the take over the big hill.
22-0 full length Paragon and I got this like 30 minutes after he got here. My worst showing ever though. Ben can make you look bad.

Good HTML Ends here. Lazy time.

The Shutouts
Derek Clark
1 - 11-0, 0 death (11 kills)
2 - 10-0
3 - 11-0
4 - 10-0, 1 death (10 kills), 6 hills
5 - 10-0, 0 death (11 kills), 6 hills
6 - 11-0, 2 death (10 kills), 6 hills
7 - 10-0, 1 death (15 kills), 7 hills
8 - 11-0, 4 deaths! So bad. (March 30, 2002)
(no 5-hill victories so far)

Eli Greenfield
1 - 10-0
2 - 11-0
3 - 10-0
(no 0-death games)

Derek & Eli on 2P (unless otherwise specified)
1 - 20-0, 7 hills! (Jo in first 6. Derek: 21/3)
2 - 21-0
3 - 22-0 (Derek & Paragon; Derek: 8 kills??)
4 - 22-0 (Derek: 20/3, Eli: 16/2, Jo: 3/5)
5 - 20-0 (insane luck, music stops ... D: 7 deaths, Eli: 5)
6 - 21-0
7 - 20-0 (Derek: 17/3)
8 - 21-0 (March 25, 2002)
9 - 21-0 (March 30, 2002, Eli: 21/1, Derek: 17/4)
10 - 21-0 (March 30, 2002, NEXT RUN)
11 - 21-0 (Summer 2003) - We played for fun, over a year since PD action. We were wildly rusty, but pulled off a miraculous shutout despite.

Derek & Itan
1 - 21-2

Eli & Itan
1 - 20-5

Inside humor & terminology
"The Perch" - balcony hill...originally nicknamed "the bird cage", then Eli started calling it "the perch" for no apparent reason. Easy to defend like you wouldn't believe (see "Radar Eagle")

"The Impossible" - the central hill, named with regard to the 5 possible locations of entrance. aka "Little China", just so we can say "there's big trouble in Little China".

"The glass" - named for its glass floor with pyramid, conveniently positioned so that your aim goes to the ceiling during important moments of combat (with look-ahead on.), resulting in death, profanity...and quitting; in that order.

"The good spot" - the small alley hill, originally named for being easy to defend AND take over. Sims from the side can be a pain though.

"The Mauler" - The huge sandy hill, located in BFE ("butt-@#!%ing Egypt", hence sand). Eli called it "the mauler" in the VERY early stages of our challenge 30 career because he thought it was the only mauler location (I guess I believed him).

"Radar Eagle" - used to describe Eli as Sim kills him from behind as he actively defends "perch" hill, complaining about JoSim friendly fire...

"Underground railroad" - the tunnel, nice and safe....

"Raptored" Having 2 sims enter your hill from 2 locations that you cannot possibly defend simultaneously. You try to kill one, the other kills you (taken from Jurassic Park. e.g. you're waiting for BlondeSim to come around the corner so you can blow him away, then suddenly CassSim pops out fromt he side. Then you say "clever girl.." before she kills you with 3 magnum shots in 1 second. Watch Jurassic Park if you don't get it).

"Sentinel" A sim that disregards hills and just keeps hunting and killing until they are finally destroyed. A REAL pain, hard to kill.

"Trinity Kill" Turning completely around while on the run and killing a sim that was in pursuit. (taken from Matrix, when Trinity is fleeing the agent in the opening scene...she dives and turns herself to face behind her with her guns ready...yeah, you know this).

TrentSim: the cordial British businessman in a leisure suit "Here are the terms of my killing you, if you'll just sign..."

CassSim: half man, half salsa-dancer; tendency to kill you miles from the hill. "Hills? What are hills?"

BlondeSim: The Aryan

JoSim: The true captain of the team. Putting the "jo" in "joke". Instincts like a tiger, quickness like cheetah, nimble as a monkey, cunning like the fox, wiser than an empty cartoon of Juicy-Juice. Weapon of choice: unarmed

When using the magnum, these phrases may be used:
"Reach for the skyyy" (Toy Story style)
"6-gunnin' it" (alt. "12-gunnin' it")
"No you don't want nada" (only allowed use by Itan)

JoSim's deadly presence on the map:
*pushes aside double maulers that she just picked up when the 2nd spawned (that you were waiting to pick up). Then she pulls out some other gun.* She ponders: "...Falcon regular...or... falcon scope..." *meanwhile Eli and I, unarmed, are getting owned*

Eli nickname #132: "JoSim2"

"The Shimmy":
CassSim's tendency to "vibrate" while defending a hill, making her almost impossible to hit.

Aggression release tactic:
Randomly assigning generally unpopular minority groups to opponents so that racial slurs can be utilized to vent anger during gameplay. Ex. "You @#$&ing WOP, where's your mauler now?" Probably inappropriate.

Explanation for the unusual amount of headshot medals awarded on 2P:
The Challenge 30 committee added an extra zero when they filled out the combat medals order form. As a result, they have dozens of boxes of new, shiny headshot medals lying around the office. "Zero kills, but I like the attitude son. *looks for a spot on Eli's uniform to pin medal but it's overloaded with other headshot medals* Well done. Get another 100 headshot medals and you're eligible for the accuracy medal!" (based on a true story; eli once got 0 kills but was awarded headshot medal).

Once while my Asian friend Itan was over with us, Eli was setting up some combat settings for us. He designated colors to each of us, and I keenly brought attention to something. "Eli...why's Itan yellow, what the hell's that supposed to mean?? You son of a bitch..." hehehe.

Eli once had some friends over and had them play some Challenge 30 with him. Naturally, they weren't really familiar or knowledgeable in any way. Actual quote: "Yus! Double falcon scopes!" <-- (classic inside joke. Double falcon scopes = the sarcastic epitome of being "strapped")

Visualize for a moment:
Eli was once beaten to death by BlondeSim who had control of the sandy hill (Eli was kneeling, with a mauler at the foot of the hill, waiting to pick off BlondeSim and take the hill). Blonde ran up, blindsided Eli with a flurry of punches that took Eli's health from full to none in maybe 3 seconds. Now, visualize: 3rd-person view of BlondeSim running up to the kneeling Eli and beating the shit out of him until he died--in all of 2.5 seconds). Comedy.

Quotable: Itan: "Being killed with magsecs is like being nibbled to death."

Eli, after getting "most harmless, most cowardly" - His reaction: "Wwwhat?? Did they not see me running into (little China) unarmed and kicking some falcon up off the ground up to my hand and putting a few bullets in Blonde before my inevitable death!??"
"kicking some falcon up off the ground up to my hand" What a coward, right, lol.

Classic post-mission report cards:
Eli, who needs ammo? most professional:
Imagine it: "Uh, hi, yes...JoSim? I believe we've met once before. Yes, I, uh..., ran out of ammo. Do you know where I could find some? Any information would be warmly appreciated. Uh, where are you going? The hill's that way Ms. JoSim. Aren't you going to equip your maulers?"

Derek, most suicidal, most deadly; accuracy medal, weapon of choice: unarmed. I was an incredible threat to my own life due to my accurate self-beating.

Eli, least shielded, most frantic:
Again, Imagine it: "Aghh!! I don't have a shield! I think those guys have shields...they must have shields! Where'd they get a shield??? Why don't I have a shield!?

Derek, weapon of choice: unarmed + headshot medal, accuracy medal and marksmanship!?: "Ha!" *makes martial art style punches to the head, killing 3 darksims instantly*

Insulted: Eli once played a game that was roughly 5 minutes long and didn't get any award. Perhaps the rating committee was just disgusted beyond comment, or more likely they were busy doing something else (namely, sorting through headshot medals.

Other Challenges:

Challenge 28:
Eli and I shut this out 9-0 -- in under a minute. (approx. 57/58 sec)

Challenge 23:
(slow motion combat, complex, 4P = 1st team to 6 kills) With Eli and I playing alone on 4-player, we not only beat this challenge, but we won 9-3....9!!! This means that we got 3 kills during kill #6's death routine (courtesy two sentries, 1 RC-p120, and a laptop gun).

Challenge 25: Again, on 4P, just Eli and I, we won easily here as I'm sure anyone could. As the 3-minute game came to a close, the opponents had (-20) points due to suicides. Afterward we decided to try again, this time not touching the controllers at all. They took an early lead, but when time expired we were winning 0 to (-8). I think the Rare Team botched this one up a bit. I think Kevin could beat this one.


The End.