Chapter 1: Creation
c. 1996 A.D.
GENESIS 1:1 – "Consolus Mediocrus." (he who buys the Sega, never buys again.)
And so began the era of the Elite, budding harmlessly from a vaguely popular site, GoldenEye Extreme. And from “GEE” was begotten Glen McDiarmid. But the GEE saw that Glen needed a companion, and so was begotten a companion, Mike McKim…as the prophets had written it. They rejoiced in one another and the utopia they had helped create, Goldeneye Extreme. The Rare remained omniscient …but ambivalent.
GEE roared with success among suburban teenaged males between the age of 13 and 25 …and a few random middle-aged dudes… as it is written. Without knowing it, Glen and Mike had laid the foundation for the greatest story ever told. It only took one spark to set it all into motion…
WesMcKinn has entered the room.
WesMcKinn: Where the heck am I?
WesMcKinn: Why did I feel compelled to come here?
WesMcKinn: I’m the only one in here and I am aware of it. Why am I talking to myself?
WesMcKinn: Because you’re guaranteed no one will make any grammatical errors.
WesMcKinn: Good point.
WesMcKinn: Thank you.
GlenMcDiarmid has entered the room
WesMcKinn: (scratch that)
GlenMcDiarmid: Hey Wes (scratch wat?)
WesMcKinn: *cringe* ...Hello Glen
WesMcKinn: How have you been?
GlenMcDiarmid: Finish those Walk-throughs on 00 agent?
WesMcKinn: Almost, just need finish writing up this brilliant Aztec strat that allows you to break 20:00, maybe 18:30ish
GlenMcDiarmid: What’s “Aztec”?
WesMcKinn: Oh. I was hoping you knew.
WesMcKinn: …I read something about it, the “19th mission” (haha)…apparently there’s even claims of a 20th mission.
WesMcKinn: Hehe, yeah, doubtful.
GlenMcDiarmid: That wouldn’t even make sense…with the movie ending with the cradle scene.
WesMcKinn: Well…technically several of the missions are taken from outside the script, using the “x years ago” thing…
GlenMcDiarmid: …true…and there is room for 2 more on the level select screen, I guess….
GlenMcDiarmid: But still
WesMcKinn: Heck, I’d believe a Runway 0:27 claim before I believed there were two “secret” levels
GlenMcDiarmid: LOL! *high five*
WesMcKinn: I’m having a hard enough time beating the game on secret agent to worry about ridiculous claims on the message board.
GlenMcDiarmid: “secret agent”?
Mike McKim has entered the room.
Mike McKim: Hey, how’s that World Records page coming, Wes?
WesMcKinn: Right now the three of us have all 54 records!!
(Editor’s note: Mike and Glen currently have about 250 points in the GE Elite. Combined.)
Mike McKim: So you discounted those claims from the message board,
WesMcKinn: Well obviously, I gotta use discretion.
Mike McKim: True...well, I trust you.
Mike McKim: Let me know when it’s done and I will add it to the site!
WesMcKinn: You got it.
Mike McKim: See you guys later!
Mike McKim has left the room.
WesMcKinn: Isn’t that weird that we all have “Mc-“ last names?
GlenMcDiarmid: I never noticed that.
GlenMcDiarmid: I guess we’re just good ol’ boys from the heartland, right here in the US of A.
WesMcKinn: Home of the best players in the world :) Though I guess one might think we’re a bunch of Micks. Though technically, we are…I guess. Just not in the sense that we are Irish.
GlenMcDiarmid: So how do you think you’ll update the times page?
WesMcKinn: How else..? Just add the credible submissions one by one. How hard could it be?
GlenMcDiarmid: Yeah, I guess so.
GlenMcDiarmid: Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask you….
GlenMcDiarmid: What are the odds that this is actually my screen name?
WesMcKinn: If you’re anything like me I’d say 3 to 2.
GlenMcDiarmid: I’m thinking Mike’s screen name was probably fake, too.
WesMcKinn: Yeah, I think his has something about dragons in it.
Legitimate GE Player has entered the room.
WesMcKinn: Hi…who are you?
Legitimate GE Player: My name is Patrick Laakso
WesMcKinn: And how is your screen name greater than 16 characters?
Legitimate GE Player: I got good times on goldenye.
WesMcKinn: Oh yeah? Well have you got….
WesMcKinn: sub-1:00 Frigate agent?!
GlenMcDiarmid: Get him Wes!
Legitimate GE Player: I got the 0:32 I did a wait for hostiges tho.
WesMcKinn: Hehe…let me handle this one.
Legitimate GE Player: ?
WesMcKinn: I could run straight to the hostages, spray bullets at them randomly for one second…
WesMcKinn: throw the tracker bug from the top of the stairs or something ridiculous….
WesMcKinn: and then run straight back to the boat and STILL not get near 0:32.
Legitimate GE Player: Oh.
GlenMcDiarmid: Wes rocks! Lol!
Legitimate GE Player: Okies, here is a film of my 0:32
Legitimate GE Player: http:www.svenska.sw/goldeneisen/frigate032.mov
WesMcKinn: Obviously fake.
WesMcKinn: Where are you from, Patrick?
Legitimate GE Player: Olsenheimenvatzer, Sweden
WesMcKinn: Yeah okay well I’ve heard about enough.
WesMcKinn has kicked Legitimate GE Player from chat.
GlenMcDiarmid: Why’d you do that?
WesMcKinn: Just had a gut feeling.
WesMcKinn: Last guy from outside North America was throwing around talk of sub-2:00 Dam agent
WesMcKinn: Or something outlandish.
GlenMcDiarmid: So..foreigners = bad?
WesMcKinn: Summarily, yes.
GlenMcDiarmid: Well anyway, I gotta get back to work on GEE.
GlenMcDiarmid: I’ve got 10 weeks of working on pictoral walkthroughs based on horrible strategy. My expectation is that they will become obsolete in about 3.5 days.
WesMcKinn: K, good luck, let me know if you need help.
GlenMcDiarmid: Sure thing..cya
GlenMcDiarmid has left the room.
WesMcKinn: I thought he’d never leave.
WesMcKinn: One more erroneous ellipsis and I would’ve gone INSANE.
WesMcKinn: Ever since that asshole claimed 0:19 on Bunker 1 he’s been on my nerves.
WesMcKinn: 0:24…maybe 0:23, and I might’ve believed him. I wish he’d just fess up, it would really reduce some tensions.
WesMcKinn: I mean seriously…
WesMcKinn: I could run straight to the exit and get…around 0:17 or something.
WesMcKinn: *sigh* …seems like I’m the only person that can be trusted.
WesMcKinn: Anyway, here I am alone again…just me, myself, and I.
WesMcKinn: Or is it “me, myself and I” with only one comma?
WesMcKinn: I don’t suppose it was even correct to use “myself” there at all.
To be continued...
Chapter 2: The Birth of Legends
"And so the chat would continue and our hero would soon be subjected to a few more unforeseen perils. How will he handle them? Would he greet these new challenges with understanding, or suffer them with doubt, suspicion, and bitter intransigence? A little bit of each, really. For soon his world would be changed forever, his mental fortitude tested by the doings of a few unlikely legends."
Written by Derek Clark
With contributions from Jon Barber