WOUTER BANNED!  Dutch superstar has two thumbs!
     UDEN, HOLLAND - Goldeneye superstar Wouter Jansen was banned from The Elite on Tuesday after it was discovered that the Dutchman has three thumbs...one resembling a second pinky more than anything else. Despite the fact that it hasn't yet been determined how much of an advantge his polydactyl provided, according to former Goldeneye Elite spokesperson Wes McKinney, possessing a freakish sixth digit "eases many of the processes of competative gaming."
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January 1, 2004

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Harvey Manhood Reaches 100,000 Posts, No One Cares
     UNITED KINGDOM - Harvey Manhood, the first person in Elite history to reach 10k, 20k, and 30k through 90k posts, is also the first to reach 100k posts...and no one seems to care.

"Affirmative Action For World Records" Proposal Rejected
     WOUDENBURG, HOLLAND - The "Affirmative Action For World Records" propsal was shot down by Matthijs ten Ham Monday afternoon. The proposal, which would automatically give minorities an advantage in claiming world records was declared a "ridiculous way to give minorities equality."

User Name and Password Are Meaningless Because Jim Barrett Touches Himself at Night
     GREEN BAY, WI - The user name and password (ENTROPICDECAY, ZERO-TAU) were found to be useless because Jim Barrett touches himself at night. For so long it was unknown as to why Rare would put useless information in so visibly, but sources indicate that Barrett's nocturnal emissions are the reason.

Greg Woll Retires
     PARMA, OH - Fan favorite, Goldeneye superstar Greg Woll announced his retirement from the Goldeneye Elite during a chat conference Monday night. "I've literally laughed my fucking gay ass off." Woll claimed. "You can only laugh your fucking gay ass off so many times before it comes off completely." This is a huge blow to the community who holds Woll in high regard. "I suppose I could stand while I play, but my skill would be greatly reduced," he added. Doctors are unsure whether Woll will regain the use of his fucking gay ass, but they did say the chances are slim to none.

Robert Klee Faked Own Life
     SEMINOLE, FL - Derek Clark, Robert Klee's closest confidante, announced Wednesday that Klee faked his own life. The news came just days after Clark realized Klee never had a middle name. "I knew it was over at that point. It was time to tell everyone the truth," Clark stated. "His entire life was one big fabrication. Everything about him was a lie: his times, his existance...everything." Upon hearing the news, Klee's biggest fan, Paddy Johannesen, faked his own death.

Study Proves Poop is Sexy
     NEW HAVEN, CT - A study performed by scientists over the last few months at Yale University concluded that poop is sexy. "There is irrefutable evidence to the sexiness of poop," stated one professor. "On a scale of 0 to 32, poop scored a 15.6, well above the average score of 3.2." The study compared poop to myriad people and objects ranging from Paddy Johannessen's mother (30.4), a pile of old rags (2.7), and Craig Makepiece (0.008).

Citizens of Sam Hughes' Ego Complain About New Area Code
     CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND - Citizens of the largest egotistical area in the world are complaining about the new area code that takes effect next week. "This is such bollocks," said one denizen. "It's going to cost me all these long distance charges to call my pal. It's the same ego!" Officials say the ego is much too large for only one area code. The Census bureau is unsure exactly when Hughes' ego became the largest in the world because ego population statistics are not gathered. That should change, however, as his ego is predicted to earn a seat in British Parliament sometime later this year.

Writer For Teh pwnion Dies of Laughter
     MILWAUKEE - Head writer of Teh pwnion, MrFood, died of laughter late Wednesday night at St. Francis Memorial Hospital. "This is one of the most severe cases of laughter related death I've ever seen," stated Dr. Richard Loomis. "There was massive trauma to the internal organs, particularly the stomach, which seems to have exploded." The source of laughter seems to have stemmed from writing Teh pwnion, which is now the most deadly occupation in America with a mortality rate of 100%; and the fact that MrFood was doing it voluntarily also makes it the most noble profession, registering an 8.7 on the Coifferman Nobility Index.


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